If The Next Pope Really Wants To Modernize...

Last week produced so much fodder I hardly know which direction to look for inspiration.

There was the moment when cowardly politicians opted for a spot of vacation rather than confronting sequestration head on—a topic especially worthwhile, since the damaging automatic cuts that make up sequestration were intended to force a cowardly congress into action. North Korea apparently tested a nuclear warhead, a fascinating prospect for a nation as yet incapable of mastering electric light, internal combustion engines or the simple act of feeding its population.

A study appeared suggesting that President Barack Obama preferred to dodge print media in favor of glib interview spots on television. The official excuse referred to market share. More likely he is afraid of an old-fashioned form of media that, unlike television, generally refuses to sign off on those “ask me only these specific softball questions” agreements.

No surprise, really. Fear of exposure in common in politics.

But the most intriguing item was Pope Benedict’s decision to resign.

You see, some observers call the Catholic leadership out of touch with the modern world. They insist the body must get with the times. Not since Vatican II—the early 1960s council that loosened Catholic dogma—has the church had such an opportunity for change. Some even speak of an American pope, however slim the odds.

Just what would a modern American papacy look like? Well, judging by our popular and business culture, it would be loaded with product placement opportunities.

Under the tired ways of the outgoing pope, Jesus turned water into wine. It’s a compelling story offering no return other than moral value. But what if, for a few million bucks, Jesus transformed it into Columbia Crest’s 2010 Cabernet Sauvignon? Now we’re talking consumer capitalism.

Paired with Nabisco Nilla wafers, communion would promote goods and save souls, all at a tidy profit.

As it stands, baptism is a solemn and beautiful ceremony bringing people into the world of salvation. But advertising could pay for the costs, while promoting other causes at the same time. For instance: “This holy water protected by the U.S. Navy, another global force for good.”

Imagine vestments adorned with the Nike swoosh or priests festooned with enough logos to pass for NASCAR drivers. The new pope could even follow the lead of so many sports venues and sell his naming rights.

Yep, Pope Leo XI, by Budweiser; or, thinking bigger, Kingsford Charcoal presents Ash Wednesday, give us this day our Wonder Bread, chock full of vitamins and minerals, Miracle Whip miracles...

Flipping through the Bible I see hundreds of lucrative opportunities to…wait, what’s this camel through the eye of a needle bit? And did he just tell that rich man to give away his possessions? Mammon is the same thing as money?

Aw, man! I was hoping to apply for the vacant pope job and rake in the cash.

Yeah, I know—the Vatican as a political entity wallows in wealth, but there is so much more to be made in the more modern world. Apple orchards, home improvement companies, frankincense flavored vodkas…

Those in our government routinely reinterpret the nation’s documents to allow, say, big businesses to be considered people or fundraisers to donate to campaigns behind the scenes.

I don’t know whether to blame Obama, the Bush administration, big government or pointless military expeditions. It seems that unlike political values, morality can only bend so far.

Oh, well. If disproportionate wealth is out of the question ethically, I could perhaps become a job creator.